30 Nov 2007 10 am eastern

A date with Sandra Bernhard

Today was the day we were supposed to close on our new home. We were going to pack Sunday and move Monday. Then we were going to fill the Happy Cog New York office with furniture and computers. And then we were going to Boston to talk for 60 minutes, and to Washington, DC to listen for 90.

We’re still going to Boston and DC, but the rest of the schedule has called in sick. We can’t close today because we got a better mortgage from a nicer (but slower) bank, and the nicer (but slower) bank must produce a bowel movement in the shape of a swan before issuing our check.

The office move is connected to the house move. The house move is contingent on the closing date.

Chaos! We have furniture being hauled to the wrong buildings on the wrong days. We have deliveries to postpone and shipments to despair on. We have computers and tickets and widgets of all sizes being FedExed to doormen who will ring for us in vain, their lonely vigils mocked by blinking Christmas displays.

But it’s a wonderful life. For, no matter how nutty the next weeks may be, and no matter how many stay-at-home, can-of-bean meals we consume in the coming decades to compensate for the funds we have spent and those we are about to spend, at the end of this nerve-wracking knuckle-cracking tango with lawyers and brokers and bankers and movers, our family will have a home.

[tags]homebuying, homes, nyc, newyorkcity, happycog, moving[/tags]

Filed under: cities, family, glamorous, homeownership, Zeldman

34 Responses to “A date with Sandra Bernhard”

  1. Josh Stodola said on

    bank must produce a bowel movement in the shape of a swan before issuing our check

    ROFL! It will be all over soon!

  2. Carl Peterson said on

    So, what is the Sandra Bernhard reference? Something to do with the swan-shaped . . . ?

    I know what you mean about a home. Ever since we’ve owned a home here in Dallas, no matter how crummy a day can go, I can always look forward to going to my own home to be with my own family. Sounds corny, but it’s true. It’s gotten me through some lousy days.

    Congrats on the new purchase.

  3. Utahcon said on

    I can’t wait to be in a house again, apartments suck!

    Hopefully that swan comes soon for you, don’t fear leaning on the bank either, they are drones and don’t work unless pushed… stupid drone banks.

  4. Ara Pehlivanian said on

    This too shall pass. And like you said, in the end your family will have a house (you already have a home no matter where you live).

  5. Marc Benton said on

    To increase your odds of the swan crap, have your bankers eat at PF Changs. It worked for Stan’s dad on South Park this week.

    Congratulations on the new house.

  6. Jeffrey Zeldman said on

    in the end your family will have a house

    An apartment, actually. But one we own. (Or will own, when we finish making the payments in 30 years.)

  7. Jacob Patton said on

    I’m sorry things got clogged up, but the end is near(ish), eh?

    What’s happening in D.C.? Is it a private affair, or is something going on that I should plan on attending?

  8. Matt Robin said on

    Helluva time of year to be moving Jeffrey! Best of luck to you and your family with everything. I’ve yet to get my own first house, renting ‘forever’ – because hey, prices in the UK are too high for just about everyone, and this is where I have a lot of respect for what you’re doing. Best wishes.

  9. sschablow said on

    Man, oh, man can I relate. When we bought the house we’re now in, the closing was contingent on three other closings. It was set up like dominoes. Hang in there and good luck.

  10. Angelo said on

    that you can find time to blog this is even more unreal.

  11. Fred said on

    The Berhard reference is lost on me too… but great post. Hang in there…

  12. Noel Jackson said on

    Almost “over the hump.” Sometimes that feeling lasts for what seems a life time.

    I’m in the process of moving myself. You never know how much shit you have till you put it in tiny boxes and carry it up and down flights of stairs. :)

  13. Jeffrey Zeldman said on

    Thanks, everyone, for your good wishes and shared experiences. And good luck, @Noel, with your move! (Changing cities?)

    What’s happening in D.C.? Is it a private affair, or is something going on that I should plan on attending?

    Hi, @Jacob! A private business meeting. Sadly, with everything else that’s going on, it will have to be an in-and-out trip instead of a proper DC visit: train down, grab a cab, meet with folks, grab a cab, and train back up again.

    The Berhard reference is lost on me too… but great post. Hang in there…

    It probably only makes sense to me.

    If you’ve seen The King of Comedy, a wonderful and underrated comedy written by Paul D. Zimmerman and directed by Martin Scorsese, you may recall talk show host Jerry Langford’s (Jerry Lewis’s) “date” with Masha (Sandra Bernhard). First she and Rupert Pupkin (Robert De Niro) duct-tape Langford to a chair. Then Masha tries to hold a romantic candlelight dinner with Langford. And things progress from there.

    Things right now feel as hectic and crazy as that “date.” Why that particular image sprang to mind as I wrote the post, only Freud can say, and he is not with us.

  14. Jay Selway said on

    Pics of the poop or stfu!

  15. Kim Siever said on

    Or will own, when we finish making the payments in 30 years.

    You still own the home. It’s just that the apartment is up for collateral for your mortgage.

  16. Jeffrey Zeldman said on

    Thanks, @Kim. The Wife probably understood that, but I did not.

  17. Josh said on

    I move into my house on 15 December. I’ve been grumbling about all the hang-ups all week. Glad to see it’s not just me. :)

  18. Danny Hotea said on

    You’ve topped off my Friday, sir. God bless you.

  19. kp said on

    I think we will all be happy when this is finally over.

  20. Jeffrey Zeldman said on

    I think we will all be happy when this is finally over.

    LOL sorry! :D

  21. thacker said on

    Zeldman–

    That glaring “Bernhard” reference, before reading the post, damn near had me feeling sorry for you. As said, damn near.

    The conjured visual had me grabbing the bottle of scotch.

    I guess I should thank you. So, thanks.

  22. ben said on

    Ohhh, I get the reference all right. It makes me cringe.

    For reasons too complicated to explain (except to point out that it wasn’t my idea) I watched that film when it was in theater release. Way too much of it went over my head.

    I was nearly as anxious for the end of that film, as you are to close on your apartment. (Adjust as needed to account for apples and oranges, but otherwise please let me have my melodramatic posturing.)

    Cringe.

    …But I’m glad that somebody I respect liked it.

  23. Gail Dedrick said on

    …at the end of this nerve-wracking knuckle-cracking tango with lawyers and brokers and bankers and movers, our family will have a home.

    Jeffrey, you had a home before this. Home is where the heart is.

  24. Rob L. said on

    Hang in there — should all keep wearing those blue beanies until this deal is closed and you’re all moved in?

  25. patrick said on

    I have basically the exact same thing going on – office move and personal move. The only differences are a) I am not waiting on a bank – rather, for the current tenants to hit the skids – and b) I have been in a Best Western for 12 days and counting because the current apartment was found to be riddled with toxic mold and needed to be torn apart just in time for holidays.

    See you in Boston.

  26. Jordan Brock said on

    the nicer (but slower) bank must produce a bowel movement in the shape of a swan before issuing our check.

    Two banks, 1 cup (or mortgage in this case)

  27. Leo Klein said on

    I dunno. Maybe you should just leave town and assume new identities. You won’t get your furniture back but it’ll save you from all the disagreeable moments with those angry movers.

  28. sims said on

    Moving in the MediterraneanBeen here on the island Gozo for seven years in an old mediaeval farmhouse (literally) and now must move out of the very human, mediaeval urban planning neighborhood. Very traumatic to join the current century for Cloe and myself. Moving two miles away will be like moving 500 years into the future for us. Might be a moving movement.

  29. Jeffrey Zeldman said on

    @sims: Good luck! Take many photos, write lots of diary entries. Leaving such a place must be heartbreaking, but you will never forget the magic of it.

  30. Michael Nolan said on

    Somehow, I suspected there’d be a glitch. But it sounds like it’s a good glitch. Maybe you can refer to it as “the good glitch of the East.” Soon your restless selves will be settled in your new home.

  31. Maxine Sherrin said on

    Ha, I love that movie, it’s an all time fave. And while I couldn’t quite get the reference to start with, once explained, I agree totally – it’s a perfect description of the hell of moving.
    Buying my apartment, humble as it is, was one of the best things I have done in the last 10 years – you’ve totally done the right thing here – good luck with the move!

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