Conference speaker’s pledge
Wearing this attractive six-pointed star on my sleeve signifies my pledge to abide by a code of conduct. Presently the code of conduct is a draft, but we hope, by working together, to one day turn it into a second draft.
While speaking to you from this podium, I pledge the following:
- I will not yodel.
- I will not introduce my first slide by saying, “Here is my first slide.”
- I will not conclude the discussion of my first slide by asking, “Any questions about my first slide?”
- I will not ridicule my fellow presenters, not even the shallow idiots.
- I will not become a womb of light.
- I will not guess the weight of randomly selected audience members.
- I will wear comfortable slacks.
- I will not activate an under-seat “tingler” at the moment of greatest suspense.
- I will not reveal the ending of the final Harry Potter novel, or that the lady in “The Crying Game” is a dude.
- When I think about you, I will not touch myself.
Of course, sometimes, I might need to yodel, or even touch myself. Wearing the Gallagher Hammer-and-Watermelon Badge signifies that my presentation will be “anything goes.” You folks in the first five rows, button up your overcoats.
Tags: code of conduct
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Oh, the irony- and sarcasm-impaired will have barrels of fun with this one. Teehee.
mmmMMmmmm…..watermelon….
Just do a good job. I get bored on normal conference’s because of some boring speeches, but knowing web design there’ll be nothing to snooze about n this one.
You totally spoiled The Crying Game for me. I’m unsubscribing.
:)
I will not say things like:
Why do you park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway?
Damn you Zeldman! I haven’t seen the Crying Game.You are hereby banned from life.
“I will not go on about how ‘users’ is a term only used to describe drug users because words couldn’t possibly have more than one meaning.”
“10> When I think about you, I will not touch myself.”
This isn’t too far fetched.
True story: at my public speaking club, a member recently returned from his honeymoon. Before giving his speech, he got up to the podium, beamed to the crowd a big smile, and said, “I’m so happy! I’m 39 years old, and I finally lost my virginity!”
So yeah. You never know what some people consider “appropriate.”
This is absolutely unacceptable. I’ve always refused to attend presentations where the speaker does not touch him or her self, and I’m not going to change that now.
What happened to you, Zeldman? You used to be cool.
Greg - yeah, he used to be cool. Probably doesn’t even like Michael Jackson or Madonna now.
You’re not bolted together right. I love it.
We’re going to have to work on that. At least three points will have to be dropped before I can sign on (but I’m not admitting in public which ones).
“Will not use the term ‘outside the box’.”
How will we know it’s your first slide then???
And when CAN we ask questions??? After the second slide??? Does the Conference brand count as the first slide???
Jeepers Zeldman, you’ve opened up a can of worms here.
#10 just sounded weird. #7 was was awesome, I’ve seen people with pants so tight, it’s like if they walked around, it would just rip apart.
if ice is so doggone hot … never mind.
Your pledge list is one for the ages. Sorry to hear about the tingler, though. Have you considered preparing an 11×17 sheet as a handout and then just saying “well, there it all is, read it everyone, and now talk amongst each ether.”
Of course I meant amongst each Other.
??
“Will not touch myself?” How do you expect other people to touch if you’re not even willing to do it yourself!?
Slacks? Who uses the word “slacks”?
It’s a funny word, isn’t it?
Yeah, I’m kind of disturbed about #10 as well. I mean, how do we know you’re living up to your end of the bargain?
I need to ask. Does a professional speaker need to wear professional underwear or will any old thing do really?
Gee, no yodeling? I would have enjoyed that at AEA in Boston. I guess we missed out.
…and I promise not to use a Top 10 list.
Oh wait.
Conference speaker’s pledge
I have to say, quite happy about point 10…
Very funny. Might I add:
10(a). I will not make references to early 1990s one hit wonders from Australian rock music bands that may fail to be picked up by younger members of the audience.
True, some readers are unfamiliar with the Divinyls. They are also unfamiliar with Tim O’Reilly and The New Yorker.
I will wear comfortable slacks.
If you’re not thinking about me, are all bets off?
i think you broke every one of those rules at the seattle eventapart last year. i’ll be checking to make sure they’re followed this year.
see you in seattle.
How about, “I will not make those little ‘air quotation marks’ with my fingers” and, “I will say or do something playfully controversial, to pique people’s interest.” (I’m thinking of Mr. Meyer’s poking mild fun at those who would take staunch positions on “code” vs. “markup.”)
Let alone what he said about the dog.
Conference speaker’s pledgeJeffrey Zeldman Presents The Daily Report5/16/07, 9:00 am
You mean what he did to the dog?
So, what about rapidly and recklessly skipping around the outer edges of the stage, sweating profusely, screaming like an idiot the entire time, then stopping at the microphone and yelling “I…LOVE…THIS…COMPANYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH?” I didn’t see it on the list.
Also, please clarify: when you think about me you’ll touch ME instead? I may have to charge you admission for something like that.
You spoiled The Crying Game. Now, please, tell us something about your first slide! :)
Jeffrey Zeldman Presents : Conference speaker’s pledge— "I will not introduce my first slide by saying, ‘Here is my first slide.’"
Jeffrey Zeldman Presents : Conference speaker’s pledge— "I will not introduce my first slide by saying, ‘Here is my first slide.’"
how about :
11) I will not speak (drone) in a monotone.
12) I will not speak so far from a monotone that I act like a ‘motivational speaker’ (ie idiot)
13) I will not feel compelled to read all the words of every slide. I will remember that most of my audience probably knows how to read.
not saying you’d ever do those things, just adding them to the list. I’ve seen them abused enough times.
btw, does your #10 count if you are behind a podium? (ala Police Academy) ;-)
And was #8 referring to *your* chair or the chairs of the audience?
a multiple choice question using a select box for the user to pick the right answer. This method delivers most or all of the benefits of the CAPTCHA while easing the burden on the user and being more accessible. The image below offers an example fromzeldman.com
thanks for you 10 commendments
I will not become a womb of light. really??
People outside Australia are familiar with the work of The Divinyls?