Tanks
During his time in the military, a man I know served in Psychological Operations, or as it is better known, PSYOPS. Psychological Operations are designed to attack the enemy’s morale, undermining confidence and introducing fear.
Stationed at South Korea’s border with the North, my friend’s job was to create soundscapes. By mixing sound effects loops, he created the audio illusion of an apparently endless procession of armored vehicles. To the North Koreans, who could not see what was on the other side, it sounded like an immense army was mobilizing at their border.
My wife recalled this story during a dinner last night at an elegant restaurant. At least, it was elegant until we showed up. Our two-year-old daughter had missed her nap and was conducting a series of terror attacks on the linen, cutlery, and staff.
In an effort to save the restaurant from destruction and our family from shame, we tried bribing, coddling, and various distractions. When nothing else worked, we resorted to an escalating series of empty threats. Eventually, if only for a moment, we prevailed.
Gently removing sauce from her delicate blouse, my clever wife observed that parenting is like PSYOPS. You want them to think you have the tanks.
Filed under: family, glamorous, war, peace, and justice
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As a parent myself, I have to agree. Dead on. You don’t always have to use the launch codes; just the impression you might is enough sometimes.
The problem is to find what means a tank for a child, they have no fear
Every time I read your “parent entries” i feel pretty well identified
I have round recently that our four year old is severely allergic to food coloring. It turns her into a maniac and it takes a couple days to work out of her system. During that time no amount of real tanks or anything else can calm her down. Its rather irritating. I’d like to speak to the manufacturer about this :)
Not to be an rude, but I wonder if it wasn’t impolite of you to stay the the restaurant with your squalling child?
The difficulty I find is what to say when challenged to produce the tanks.
It doesn’t help having a five-year-old who’s constantly telling the three-year-old “He doesn’t have any tanks, y’know.”
@Tim – a fair question. The answer is “No”.
The thing I see many parents fail to do is actually bring out the tanks if the child persists. My wife and I only use “tanks” that we can actually back up up and carry out. That’s hard sometimes because if you’re at the zoo and you tell the kid, “One more time and we’re going home,” then you actually have to be prepared to screw over your planned day and actually go home if they do it one more time. So we’ll change it to “One more time and we don’t go see the elephants.” That’s just as big of a tank to them, but it’s one we can actually do without totally ruining our day too. If you say, “One more time and we’re going home”, and they do it one more time and you don’t go home, good luck getting them to listen to you the next time.
If they ever figure out your “tanks” are just soundscapes, well, then you’ve lost the battle. :)
Sounds familiar. But sometimes I think my kids have more sophisticated armored vehicles than our imaginary tanks.
It is good to read such words of wisdom. =)
Maybe my wife and I should be laying out some highly detailed attack plans for the battle that is upon us.
You two are in trouble. Your little one knows fully and completely that you don’t have any tanks or any other artillery for that matter.
Here’s the real deal.
She has high tech weaponry.
You’re throwing spears.
Good luck ; )
Ha… I must say I love seeing other parents’ kids throw fits in public places. I can’t help grinning that at least this once, it’s not mine :)
Seriously though, our 4-year-old either knows we’re bluffing or just isn’t that scared of tanks. What then?
Excellent story… I really like the Tank/Parenting parallel ^^ I myself am a parent and “fooding” with my son of 6 in a restaurant (like last night) is a trying time almost every time… but you can’t just lock down until they are at a totally social age right?
I could have told you, that it wouldn’t be easy to get a toddler to sit still in a boring restaurant for hours… and me is no parent!
instead of mind games and psychological warfare against a 2-year old why not try to hire a babysitter?
You’re wife hit the nail on the head! Happy New Year Jeffrey!
This is another of the million problems that could be solved by duct tape…. ;)
Katzy,
Don’t be smug, dear. It is unbecoming.
With two year olds, the problem is that you’re fighting an enemy that has nothing to lose. They usually don’t get the threats.
It is sometimes a challenge, taking your children out in public, because you never really know what is going to happen. They are the wildcard, and certainly do make things interesting. I’d rather take the risk.
Having been the one at the table–the one wondering “Did that french fry pass in front of or behind the woman at the next table?”–I am always forgiving when meltdowns occur.
Katzy, you’d be surprised. Our daughter is constantly in restaurants, pizzerias, coffee shops, etc. These environments are normal to her and she is typically well behaved in them. She orders off the menu and says please and thank you and wipes her mouth on her napkin.
But she was “off” that night. Toddlers have off-nights just like adults do. Instead of drinking and swearing, they find unusual locations for butter.
You brought a two-year old to an elegant restaurant?
On behalf of everyone who has even been assaulted by the cacophony that was inevitable, I must say, that was very selfish and inconsiderate.
Next time you decide to eat out, spent a few bucks on a babysitter and let everybody else – who have paid very good money to be there – enjoy their dining experience.
I agree with Dylan Bennett above. I can totally relate to your story, though!
Next you’ll tell me I shouldn’t have rubbed my ____ all over the tablecloth.
Kidding aside, we take her to that restaurant about once a month and she’s never been a problem before. But thank you for sharing.
For those that suggest placing kids in a box rather than finding a place at the elegant table, how’s that help? Those with beautiful, little chil’ren understand that dinner with a toddler that has a wrinkle in their disposition is a part of life. The truth is, this experience helps all parties learn and grow. All of ‘em. Really. The youngster, parents, restaurant staff, and fellow patrons. It’s not always best to practice the ‘easy wrong’ when the ‘hard right’ provides value for years to come.
Lovely story to share. I want to hear more about where you found the butter.
It never ceases to astonish me how quick strangers are to jump in with presumptuous parenting “advice” and censure (see also: invasive and impertinent remarks to pregnant women). When it’s time for nibblets of my own, I may carry a tire-iron to ward off that sort of thing.
Also: hee!
Similar problem with a new puppy we got recently from a shelter. 1 year old and very noddy at first. barkbusters.com really helped – he’s now like a different dog. Maybe someone should invent something similar for the little ones ;-). Thank god dogs are not allowed in restaurants *doublegrinn.
Parents, please don’t be offended by this post – I know having a child is not comparable… Enjoy soundscaping!
It’s amazing what other posts catch your eye when researching text anti-aliasing. Props to Mrs Zeldman for delicacy and grace under fire. As an oft-bruised buffer between the world and two rambunctious toddlers – employing an arsenal of methods for carnage control – I couldn’t help grinning.
To those who don’t see the warmth and wry humour in this post, don’t be too judgmental folks, remember we like people for their good qualities but we love them for their frailties, especially kids. That would also have included you at one time – probably before you started being humourless and intolerant. ;-)
tough call, when to bail and drag the toddler home, when to use it as a learning experience. only real way to decide is look around the room and see if you’re the object of bemused but understanding smiles, or homicidal glares.
we’re currently working on #7 (/me=4,BestBeloved=2,me+BB=1) and even though she’s usually better behaved than many adults I know (the toddler, not Best Beloved; she’s *always* well-behaved) there are times, lemme tell you; there are times.
I do like the idea of teaching children everything there is to know about life before you ever let them out of the house. That way, other adults never have to learn tolerance or show consideration themselves ;)
[yeah, it surprises me how quick people are to come here, read a story written by someone whose writing for years has made it obvious he's smart, considerate, and aware, and tell him how wrong he was to make a simple parenting decision. You all get a time out. Learn the same consideration you expect from the parents of all those annoying two-year-olds who must be thronging your local restaurants, and come back and try again.]
I have two toddlers, aged 1 and 2.9. I know where the butter goes. All of you self-absorbed singletons who blithely criticize Jeffrey and his wife should shut up and take the “are you ready to have kids” test. Pay special attention to #2, #8, #11, and #14.
Hi Jeffery.
man. i gotta salute you. after reading a few of the ‘you should be ashamed to take your daughter to a restaraunt’ posts i felt like dropping the gloves.
But as always, your rebutals are fair and decent. just like you. ( and your wife’s brought a smile to my face :)
to those of you with children, you’ve been in this situation before. you get it. it happens. no one especially likes it, least of all the parents of the child, but you get through it and move on, and hopefully learn something, (ie, the PSYOPS idea for example)
To those of you in the ’stay at home or get a baby-sitter’ camp. look. those of us with kids, you may be surprised to know, actually like spending time with them. that includes taking them out to restaraunts, parks, the mall, etc. now, most of the time, they’re fine and everyone has a good time. but occasionally, as Jeffery has noted, we all have an off day.
these off days, or moments can’t be predicted. it’s not a science. you just have to weather it out and do the best you can.
keeping the kids at home, not going out, or hiring a baby-sitter. how is your child ever going to learn proper behaviour if they aren’t exposed to life?
anyhow, end of rant. i agree with jeffery and his wife. and being a dad, when you see something like this happen, you tend to smile and think a) thank god it’s not mine doing this, and b) hey…that was pretty smart how they just handled that…i’m gonna try that next time!
cheers Jeffery!
Tyson
Good on you…
To those who complain about two year olds in resturants, don’t be so stuffy.
If kids aren’t taken out to eat in public how will they learn to behave in public?
We’ve taken out my daughter since she was very young, is now eleven and has wider tastes than many adults I know. We’re take out one year old out with us quite often (except if it’s after bed time) and he’s pretty good, but as with everyone including adults he has his odd moments.
Andy
Raising your kid is like football. If they don’t take iniative when the ball is in their hands, sack that ass!
Raising your kid is like outdoor camping. If they can’t wipe with a leaf then they don’t need to eat dinner.
Having kids is like snorting cocaine. It sounded like a good idea at the time but when its all said and done, you’re broke and theres nothing in the house to eat that tastes good.
Raising your kid is like cooking. If it goes wrong you can always feed it to the dog.
To those who grumble that children shouldn’t be in restaurants – how on earth do you expect them to learn how to behave in public if you never take them out in public?
I have an almost 10 year old daughter. She comes everywhere with me, always has, especially when she was pre-school. Since she was tiny, whenever we are eating out or in a non ‘child friendly’ environment, people ask ‘how do you get her to be so good?’ and the answer is that she has learned, through watching other people and being included, how to behave. At this point all I have to do is raise an eyebrow if she starts being loud etc. and she knows. She really enjoys eating out, meeting people, going to Linux conferences etc. and she knows she wouldn’t get to do that if she acts up. My ‘tanks’ now are that I might very well just get her a babysitter!
(of course it probably won’t be long and she’ll refuse to be seen anywhere with me!)
[...] Mr Z says parenting is like PSYOPS. Hilarious, as it happens to everyone with 2-year olds. (I have one, and she’s a real prim and proper doll. She always says: I’m so sorry daddy, so sorry, if she does a mess accidentally.) So, my experience says girls are tamer. [...]
Sticker books work wonders. Keeps our toddlers busy while we talk and eat.
I forgot to mention, make it look like you are playing with them as they work with their stickers. As long as they think they have your attention…
The problem with these authority head-games we have to have with our children as they grow is that they understand and play the game intuitively — whereas we have to try to *think* out the issues and how our actions will likely work… Definitely a disadvantage.
If parenting came as easy as pushing-the-limits comes to kids, life would sure be easier.
I’m of the “you have to actually use the tanks” camp.
Kids learn quick and remember well ;)
Funny thing about tanks. A parenting expert once told me to remove my son’s favorite toys from his room when he acted up. It was supposed to get his attention. Then, I could let him earn, through good behavior, the toys back. Well, in theory a good idea. I tried it though. We had one of those days that turned into a stand-off. I ended up with ALL of his toys in my room, including his prized Batman toys. At that point he looked at me and with all the defiance his 4-year-old self could muster said, “you can take all my batman toys but you can’t stop me from thinking about him!” Oh dear….
He’s now 19. We survived. He’s well-behaved but still owns his mind. When he did that I was proud and also very deflated all in one moment. Kids.